Introducing:
The Honorable Hieronymus Atchley

Atchley is Beijing's barefoot battle historian, and has recently released his second edition of Oft-Neglected Wars, now available at the Bookworm. In it, he exposes the forgotten wars of history and the maniacal ways in which kings, popes, and military dilettantes have dabbled in human destruction. It is, to say the least, a military account that marches to the beat of its own drummer.

Tell us in 10 words or less what Oft-Neglected Wars is about.

Dream-imps, body count software, crested helmets, séances, dysentery, musket fire

 Now tell us in as many words as you need.

This volume additionally covers the following topics:

1.     passive aggressive battlefield tactics

2.     unlicensed field hospital scams

3.     a spectral claw of mist

4.     octogenarian shock troops

5.     head on collisions between stealth submarines

6.     sleep deprived gods

7.     siege warfare

8.     casualty rates from wing walking accidents

9.     battle unicorns

If you haven't answered it already, what is your aspiration for this project? Is it to educate the public? To expose the church? Or more of a personal recording of history for yourself? Something to make your children proud?

 [Mr. Atchley bats his hand as though shooing away gnats. He’d rather talk about his struggles with the county commissioner back in Idaho, where he owns some property. Latah county is threatening to dismantle the missile launcher he’s building on the roof of his trailer.]

The Constitution guarantees us the right to bear arms. Nowhere does it specify firearms, but unfortunately our government is in the pocket of the gun lobby. These so-called defenders of the Second Amendment seem to think we’re still in the 1700’s. Gun culture is outdated. If we want to stay current we’re going to need missiles, we’re going to need IED’s, we’re going to need landmines, and we’re going to need gas.

Your illustrations are adorable. Did you do them yourself? Or are they originals from the described time period?

Ha! They were done by this Eveland or Evelyn or something. He’s always hanging around and he’s kind of down on his luck so I suggested he could do the illustrations. I got them back and I said look, I thought you had an art degree. He said he’d studied some kind of art where you didn’t even need to draw. Conceptual or abstract or something. He couldn’t explain it too well. I didn’t want him to feel bad though, so in the end I said they were okay.

You have a truly unique understanding of history. How did you study? What are your sources?

 My work has been dismissed by a lot of mainstream historians because my degree is from Mr. Leon’s School of Hair Design in Moscow, Idaho. My first book Shears of the Victorious, Shears of the Vanquished was an attempt to really show that a historian of cosmetology could do more than just catalogue the evolution of styles. What my research demonstrated was that advances in technology have changed the very nature of shaving kits and hence the beards and moustaches they shape, ultimately altering the outcome of great battles by re-defining the self-image of generals as they gaze upon their own reflections in the act of facial grooming. I mean look at what was going on with General Beauregard’s moustache in the Battle of Shiloh, for example.

Oft-Neglected Wars was an attempt to go even further and break out of the “beards and battles” mold altogether. And yes, it’s quite research heavy. I looked quite a lot at Donald Rumsfeld’s translation of Astyages’ dream diary. Oskar Schlemmer’sManuel of Tank & Artillery Design, Lope de Aguirre’s letters to the king of Spain, General Lon Nol’s Treatise On Sand, that sort of thing.

Is there anything left unexplored in Oft-Neglected Wars? Why did you leave it out? Do you intend to explore it more?

Imipolex exclusively publishes chapbooks, so the following chapters had to be cut: 

·       The Odors of Combat

·       Salt Crystal Epaulets

·       Perverts at War

·       Weaponized Hair

·       Wars Between the Living and the Dead

·       Landlord-Tenant Wars

·       The Esprit De Core of Miscellaneous Plant Species

Your book says there are only 25 copies in print and all signed. But mine's not. What gives?

You’re not the first person to be confused by that. The first edition, available only in the United States, was limited to 25 copies. It also came with free toy soldiers.

Are you working on any other endeavors, or intend to work on others?

I’m actually working on a memoir about my involvement with living history events commemorating the American Civil War. My main interest is in diseases of the period. Though more Union and Confederate troops died from diseases than any other cause, you don’t see many re-enactors pretending to die from them. I believe I’m the only one. The book is tentatively titled My Peaked Reenactments.

Introducing:
One of Beijing's many unnamed, unofficial writing groups

A public service announcement by Hannah Lincoln, posted February 22, 2016

Wil Wang has recently left our midst, returned to Vancouver for some reason.

He has recklessly left me in charge of our writing group. He probably should have asked Carly Hallman, our group's most illustrious published writer. But he  didn't, so. Here's what I have to say:

if you want to join a writing group, open to writers of all skill levels, please email me, Hannah, at rss@loreli-china.com.

As a preview of what to expect, here are the results of our last writing group. First, we did our usual sharing of pre-written stories. Then we got saucy over happy hour and opened the floor to a game of  "finish that story" (you know, when you write a line, fold the paper, hand it to the next person, who writes a line, folds the paper, and so on). Here are some of the results (warning...well, you'll see).

1.

Roma gazed around the bar seeking him.

She was seeking the guy with the big package?

Because she knew it held the secret to her desire,

and she had to have it, even if she had to kill for it.

It wouldn't be her first kill - or crime - of any nature.

No sir, she'd been killing since she was in diapers. [sic]

"Of course I don't need help murdering this spy,"

She said as she polished her sniper rifle.

Unloading the casing, she slipped it up her crotchless undies.

It felt pretty damn awesome.

Jumping out of a plane and skydiving into and In-N-Out.

Of course she had to order a burger, ANIMAL STYLE.

2.

She found the pants in a dumpster, but they passed the smell test, at least with her stuffed-up nose, so she put them on over her shorts.

The fast-action disguise stole her into another way, another place, another dimension of being.

She was no longer Cas, the homeless woman, she was Casandrella, the award-winning lap dancer! With the most beautiful, magical pants in the world! Too bad they had to come off soon.

But truly not too bad for Angelo, her first client with pernicious intentions.

Angelo was the John who always took first shot at the "new girls." But when he saw Cas he screamed in utter horror. "Those pants!!! I've seen those pants before!" "Indeed, the pants -- trousers if you will -- eerily resembled those of his recently departed hot brother, four years his senior." 

Those pink leopard-print pants, didn't resemble those pants, they WERE those pants. That's when he realized -- this lap dancer was the reincarnation of his departed brother, so he beckoned her over and enjoyed his lap dance very much.

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