Introducing:
The Honorable Hieronymus Atchley

Atchley is Beijing's barefoot battle historian, and has recently released his second edition of Oft-Neglected Wars, now available at the Bookworm. In it, he exposes the forgotten wars of history and the maniacal ways in which kings, popes, and military dilettantes have dabbled in human destruction. It is, to say the least, a military account that marches to the beat of its own drummer.

Tell us in 10 words or less what Oft-Neglected Wars is about.

Dream-imps, body count software, crested helmets, séances, dysentery, musket fire

 Now tell us in as many words as you need.

This volume additionally covers the following topics:

1.     passive aggressive battlefield tactics

2.     unlicensed field hospital scams

3.     a spectral claw of mist

4.     octogenarian shock troops

5.     head on collisions between stealth submarines

6.     sleep deprived gods

7.     siege warfare

8.     casualty rates from wing walking accidents

9.     battle unicorns

If you haven't answered it already, what is your aspiration for this project? Is it to educate the public? To expose the church? Or more of a personal recording of history for yourself? Something to make your children proud?

 [Mr. Atchley bats his hand as though shooing away gnats. He’d rather talk about his struggles with the county commissioner back in Idaho, where he owns some property. Latah county is threatening to dismantle the missile launcher he’s building on the roof of his trailer.]

The Constitution guarantees us the right to bear arms. Nowhere does it specify firearms, but unfortunately our government is in the pocket of the gun lobby. These so-called defenders of the Second Amendment seem to think we’re still in the 1700’s. Gun culture is outdated. If we want to stay current we’re going to need missiles, we’re going to need IED’s, we’re going to need landmines, and we’re going to need gas.

Your illustrations are adorable. Did you do them yourself? Or are they originals from the described time period?

Ha! They were done by this Eveland or Evelyn or something. He’s always hanging around and he’s kind of down on his luck so I suggested he could do the illustrations. I got them back and I said look, I thought you had an art degree. He said he’d studied some kind of art where you didn’t even need to draw. Conceptual or abstract or something. He couldn’t explain it too well. I didn’t want him to feel bad though, so in the end I said they were okay.

You have a truly unique understanding of history. How did you study? What are your sources?

 My work has been dismissed by a lot of mainstream historians because my degree is from Mr. Leon’s School of Hair Design in Moscow, Idaho. My first book Shears of the Victorious, Shears of the Vanquished was an attempt to really show that a historian of cosmetology could do more than just catalogue the evolution of styles. What my research demonstrated was that advances in technology have changed the very nature of shaving kits and hence the beards and moustaches they shape, ultimately altering the outcome of great battles by re-defining the self-image of generals as they gaze upon their own reflections in the act of facial grooming. I mean look at what was going on with General Beauregard’s moustache in the Battle of Shiloh, for example.

Oft-Neglected Wars was an attempt to go even further and break out of the “beards and battles” mold altogether. And yes, it’s quite research heavy. I looked quite a lot at Donald Rumsfeld’s translation of Astyages’ dream diary. Oskar Schlemmer’sManuel of Tank & Artillery Design, Lope de Aguirre’s letters to the king of Spain, General Lon Nol’s Treatise On Sand, that sort of thing.

Is there anything left unexplored in Oft-Neglected Wars? Why did you leave it out? Do you intend to explore it more?

Imipolex exclusively publishes chapbooks, so the following chapters had to be cut: 

·       The Odors of Combat

·       Salt Crystal Epaulets

·       Perverts at War

·       Weaponized Hair

·       Wars Between the Living and the Dead

·       Landlord-Tenant Wars

·       The Esprit De Core of Miscellaneous Plant Species

Your book says there are only 25 copies in print and all signed. But mine's not. What gives?

You’re not the first person to be confused by that. The first edition, available only in the United States, was limited to 25 copies. It also came with free toy soldiers.

Are you working on any other endeavors, or intend to work on others?

I’m actually working on a memoir about my involvement with living history events commemorating the American Civil War. My main interest is in diseases of the period. Though more Union and Confederate troops died from diseases than any other cause, you don’t see many re-enactors pretending to die from them. I believe I’m the only one. The book is tentatively titled My Peaked Reenactments.

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